When Nathan left CERC in 2017, it shocked many. Nathan wasn’t just another face in the pews; he had been a committed member since 2014, a leader in the church, and a familiar presence at Growth Groups, church camps, and Christian conferences. His involvement was deep, and his commitment seemingly unwavering. Yet beneath this public devotion, a private struggle was unfolding.
Nathan’s journey to Christianity was anything but conventional. Raised in a devout Hindu household, he made the radical decision to convert to Christianity as a teenager. “I grew up in a pious Hindu family. As a kid, I often went to temples and made sure to say my evening prayers to the deity I preferred. That was until I started thinking a bit more about the various ideas human beings have regarding their god(s), and how almost every culture has its own version of “truth” about who God is.”
When he was 14 years old, Nathan realized that despite being taught to respect and accept all religions, he found it difficult to believe that all religions could be true. “I remember thinking about how contradictory many religions are. Some make exclusive claims on the truth about God, so how could they all be true? That was when I started to explore different religions.”
Eventually, Nathan decided that Christianity was the religion that made the most sense. When he was 17, he began attending church and decided to call himself a Christian. “Looking back, I don’t think I decided to be a Christian because I understood the gospel, but maybe I was just attracted to the emphasis on words in Christianity. It was intellectually stimulating.” It was this rational appeal that drew him in, offering a structured framework that seemed to make sense of the world’s complexities.
Nathan first joined a charismatic church, where sermons leaned heavily on personal experiences and emotions. For a while, that worked. “I thought being Christian meant being a good person—no swearing, no drinking, no sex before marriage. I would feel particularly enthusiastic about being holy after a Sunday service or after a church camp; or even after listening to some emotional songs by Hillsong.” But that motivation ebbed and flowed. Eventually, he felt disillusioned.
That disillusionment pushed him toward Reformed theology and a church known for its rigorous study of Scripture: Christ Evangelical Reformed Church (CERC). “I was mind-blown by how clearly the Bible was taught,” he says. In 2013, Nathan became a member, staying active until 2017. During that time, his understanding of the gospel deepened. He grasped the “weight of human depravity and the depth of God’s grace, at least intellectually”.
Nathan (right) going through study material with Samuel U (left) at a Gospel Growth Fellowship’s Fellow Workers Conference (FWC) 2014
But beneath the surface, Nathan struggled. He wrestled privately with same-sex attraction and felt torn between his faith and the freedoms the world seemed to offer. “I loved reading Scripture, but I also wanted to be friends with the world,” he confesses, referencing James 4:4.
Slowly, he drifted. Church attendance became a routine, service a burden, and prayer an afterthought. Out of concern for Nathan, some in church confronted him because they could see signs of a losing battle with sin. “They tried so hard to love me, but I just became hostile, bitter, and snappish toward them,” recalls Nathan. Eventually, living this double life became too exhausting. Nathan left CERC.
“I gave up struggling with sin, not because I lacked the knowledge or support from the church but because I loved myself and my feelings more than I loved God and His church.”
When Nathan disappeared on the church and severed all ties with church members, it took months of multiple attempts to reach out to him, only to discover futility. For a church, excommunication is never a desired path. And yet, as people belonging to a God who takes sin seriously, it is necessary to guard the holiness of Christ’s Body. Gradually, as more light was shed on why he left, the church took a stand to acknowledge Nathan’s sin and resistance to repentance, and his membership was removed – in other words, Nathan was excommunicated after he left. Not that he cared much back then anyway.
No longer could the church fellowship with him as a brother, but they would have to instead treat him as someone who needed the gospel desperately – they were to urge him to repentance, and to love him as someone walking in darkness. To lose a dearly loved brother like this was a severe hurt to the church. Samuel U, a CERC member and Growth Group leader now, recalls how Nathan was someone who first read the bible with him, was familiar with the bible, and taught him a lot of what he knew. “To see him rejecting these truths then definitely did shake my resolve as a Christian.” Yet, the hope of a discipline like this is that an excommunicated member of the church would return to God.
Freedom, on the other hand, for Nathan, felt intoxicating. For years, at first, he chased every desire unchecked: promiscuity, drinking, parties. Whatever his heart wanted he pursued. But over time, indulgence soon gave way to darkness. He began making choices he never imagined, which resulted in sinking deeper until he saw no way out. “I realized that even the highest form of physical pleasure a man can achieve could not get me out of my misery. I had messed up so much in so many ways, and ended up in hurting the people I loved (my family), that I thought my life was not worth living anymore.” The life his heart desired had brought him to rock bottom.
One afternoon, standing on the ledge of his eighth-floor apartment building, he was ready to kill himself. But a neighbour intervened, saving him from plunging to death. “That moment shattered me. My life felt so worthless.” After that incident, God graciously granted Nathan the space and time to reflect upon his life. The realisation of his despair and the futility of pursuing earthly pleasures helped him to truly understand the grace of God—no longer just intellectually, but as a sinner, humbled and helpless before God.
At this darkest point of time in his life, God brought to Nathan’s mind the important truths he had learnt in his time in CERC before he left. Slowly, and with time, his mind and heart were renewed. That’s when he decided to come back to church.
“I was full of uncertainties when I came back. However, the church members continued encouraging me to remain steady and made a point to talk to me. It was genuine. Experiencing this love made me finally understand that only God can create this sort of bond. No human being can love in this way unless first transformed by God.”
Nathan could have easily gone to other churches to avoid those who knew about his past, but for him, he also knew the truths CERC had taught him in those early years had been lifesaving for him – they gave him the will to live on after his suicide attempt. “I knew CERC took God seriously and therefore sin seriously. If I really wanted to be a better Christian, I would need a church that would love God so much that they would not allow me to sin blatantly.”
7 years after leaving, Nathan came back to CERC. It was deeply humbling for him, but it was also the chance for the church to forgive and love the repentant sinner. He had left on bad terms – accusing the church leaders of many things, finding fault in everyone – “it was so I could find it easier to leave the church”, Nathan confessed. “I was genuinely surprised to see people I had hurt so eager to welcome me back. Everyone in church was praising God for His work in saving me.”
Of course, the struggles and challenges he had before he came back did not just disappear. He still had to make tough choices, to leave behind the worldly things he had pursued for years. But with the church’s help and love, Nathan has been persevering faithfully, by the grace of God. He recalls how members of the church provided timely help in his settling back in church, as he moved away from the life he once knew. A brother found him a place to stay; Growth Group members helped with transportation to church and Growth Group meetings; but most of all, a sister provided accountability in his continual struggle against sin.
“It’s important to be honest with myself and know what I’m capable of and being acutely aware of the danger of repeating this again. I don’t want to say that I’m confident I’ll never leave the church again, because I don’t know what comes tomorrow. But I am confident in the grace that has been shown to me.”
During a recent gathering in church, Nathan publicly shared with the church to encourage those struggling with sin and wanting to leave the church, “It’s easy for someone like me (or anyone really) to hide who you really are. Maybe the ones enticed to live in the world are thinking that the world can offer love, comfort, or joy. I’ve learnt the hard way that the world only has superficiality; there is no true love, no true friendship, nor true comfort. None of my non-Christian friends are truly satisfied with their lives. The good we all are looking for can only be found in God and nowhere else. It would be foolish, given how we all have tasted that the Lord is good, to give it all up for a fading world, that soon will be judged and burnt away.”
Nathan and his Growth Group members celebrating a member’s birthday last year in 2024
As a church, we pray that Nathan will never forget the goodness and mercy of God and who God has saved Him to be – to persevere in finding joy in living a holy life, knowing the Judge is returning soon – and that together with the church, we will love God, His Son, and His redeemed people over everything else. May we all find true comfort in Christ Jesus and live the life of trials and testing that Jesus perfectly modelled for us.
