Growing up in a typical high performer Asian household, my sister and I were expected to know and do everything right and perfect. That included our churching habits too. I was a pious Christian, and attended church because it was a routine by Christians. Everything was performative. Even when there were doubts in Christianity, it would be automatically suppressed and shut down since I thought that was “me questioning God” and I do not want to mess with him. This pious cycle kept me up to be a leader of my cell group since I was 16 y/o – 24 y/o I trusted in God and His existence, but it was quickly tested in my life as I often separated what was Christian as an individual spiritual experience in church. There was no king, no ruler, no submission, no conviction of sin, no desire for genuine repentance, no love for Scripture. The moment I am out into the world, I was secular and ashamed of my Christianity. Being in church was a mere show and routine. I write notes to feel a sense of accomplishment. There was lack of meaning in many things that I do. I was self-serving, even as I was serving God. I didn’t love others for God’s sake. The Christian life was about me, and I was applauded for it. Life was good and comfortable. I didn’t have to struggle. I didn’t need to articulate the gospel. I had no standards for Christianity. Everything was relative and subjective to what I felt was right, and I was so sure that it is God’s calling for me. I grew to be proud in myself, since I could articulate myself so well anyway, doing much work with my hands that puffed me up further into delusion. I am a deeply rebellious person. Though in church with leadership positions, I lived no different from my friends in the world. I indulged in comfort and laziness, chased after what gave me a sense of achievement in my studies, idolized it, and had no thought about God in this life. It was until one of my leaders decided to do a book study with me called “the Explicit Gospel” (Matt Chandler) that I was introduced to a world of Christianity more than mere experience. What took me aback was the Christianity they introduced was something so contrary with what I knew and was confident in. The need for the Word to inform my Christianity was completely new, and I was hooked to know more. It helped with my leading, and increased clarity to why I have to know the bible. Fast forward in time, I began to take on bible study courses from church, attended bible study conferences, reading articles and listening to Matt Chandler sermons in attempts to discover more of Scripture. I was getting more in touch with the word, yet there was no sense of repentance in my life because what I got from all this studying puffed me up further in my pride. I was better than most of my friends. It was a level up in my Christianity, everyone else needed to depend on me, and I liked it. My life was not changed, and in fact grew increasingly idolatrous of my knowledge and achievement in studies. I was frustrated how I couldn’t teach my CGs properly, since I didn’t know what I was supposed to teach. So I began to read a lot of articles to ensure my leading is proper content such that I know what to say. I suppressed my inadequacy of gospel knowledge and love for God and His word, and compensated it for weekly presentations. Growing increasingly tired and burned out, I still persisted since it was the right thing to do, yet not knowing why. While I was happy living my secular life in IMU, I joined CF in my earlier semesters just to check them out. Mostly for explorer reasons, and also Christian piety. It wasn't as impressive as the other Christian events I’ve been to, so I didn’t have a reason to go back again. My time was very important to me and studies and making memories in university was a greater priority. I don’t feel bad as well, since I already have a “Christian meeting” weekly in my regular church CGs, so that’s off the check list. This went on until I went to one of the series by IMUCF just for fun as an attendee. I remember it was a sermon preached by Jerome. Though I don’t recall much of the sermon today, I vividly remember being very pleasantly surprised at just how much the Scripture could come to life. It wasn’t boring. I could see God in the sermon, and it was the first time I was confronted by the reality of God’s judgement of sin in death. Then on, I began to make time to go to CFs to hear what the bible has to say. It was really like a breath of fresh air to my parched spirit. Eventually attended HSCG led by Penny, and for the first time worked out the Word by myself to see that the Word could actually be understood by laymen like me, without “external manifestation of the spirit”. I was deeply relieved, because all the uncertainties I’ve suppressed about God out of my piety could finally be put to rest, because I finally found that there is a way to answer these questions. But these exercises were only intellectual for the most part, because it did not push me to change and repentance. I was not convicted of sin, and in fact I struggled to see why my life is sinful since I “live for God” anyway. Penny did BS with me for a few months, was called in to be in the IMUCF committee within 6 months, and continued learning about Scriptures there. It was until a test of giving up my precious time to study and socialize for the sake of gospel ministry I understood the depths of my idolatry against God. It was really hard for me to give up aiming for perfection and the most excellent. I think that might be the first time I did something for God, by giving up my prized possession for what is truly good.